Enlisted 2011-10-27
Latest login 3 years ago

God had originally intended Raptor Jesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs, however his early doctrine consisted mostly of low production value skits and rewrites of Metallica songs. In order to impress the dinosaur brethren in higher numbers, God's Secretary of Divine Intervention, Triceratops Goldbaum (82,000,048 BHC-82,000,041 BHC) granted Raptor Jesus the ability to perform miracles with a temporary license, based on his fantastically low credit score and W-2. The following year, Raptor Jesus overnight built an entire town of self sustaining low income subsidized housing for his followers. He was hailed a saint by Dinosaur Greenpeace, and that night held a feast of 1,000 souls. During the feast, Raptor Jesus raped an amputee with the sole purpose of having her spawn new limbs. However, although she did gain new limbs, she remained paralyzed in all of them, after all he was just one raptor.