It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Tim Cooper, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely displeased, Tim Cooper hit a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he realized that his beloved Virginity was missing! Immediately he called his undeclared soulmate, Big Red. Tim Cooper had known Big Red for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Big Red was unique. She was attractive though sometimes a little... clueless. Tim Cooper called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Big Red picked up to a very glad Tim Cooper. Big Red calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks grimace before mating, yet venomous koalas usually indiscriminately yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Tim Cooper. Why was Big Red trying to distract Tim Cooper? Because she had snuck out from Tim Cooper's with the Virginity only eight days prior. It was a exotic little Virginity... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Tim Cooper got back to the subject at hand: his Virginity. Big Red yawned. Relunctantly, Big Red invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Virginity. Tim Cooper grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Big Red realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Virginity and she had to do it skillfully. She figured that if Tim Cooper took the magic flying carpet, she had take at least nine minutes before Tim Cooper would get there. But if he took the Imaginatioin? Then Big Red would be alarmingly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Big Red was interrupted by four pestering Vampire Bats that were lured by her Virginity. Big Red turned red; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she deftly reached for her gerbil and deftly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Imaginatioin rolling up. It was Tim Cooper.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Tim Cooper was out of the Imaginatioin and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Big Red's front door. Meanwhile inside, Big Red was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Virginity into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind her hammock. Big Red was pleased but at least the Virginity was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Big Red sassily purred. With a heroic push, Tim Cooper opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted beer-sloshed tool in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Big Red assured him. Tim Cooper took a seat vaguely close to where Big Red had hidden the Virginity. Big Red cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Tim Cooper was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Big Red noticed a oafish look on Tim Cooper's face. Tim Cooper slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Big Red felt a stabbing pain in her prostate when Tim Cooper asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Virginity right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Tim Cooper's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tim Cooper nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Big Red could react, Tim Cooper deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Virginity was plainly in view.

Tim Cooper stared at Big Red for what what must've been two nanoseconds. A few unfulfilled decades later, Big Red groped charismatically in Tim Cooper's direction, clearly desperate. Tim Cooper grabbed the Virginity and bolted for the door. It was locked. Big Red let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tim Cooper,' she rebuked. Big Red always had been a little clueless, so Tim Cooper knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Big Red did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at her or something. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he gripped his Virginity tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Big Red looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tim Cooper. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Tim Cooper. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Big Red walked over to the window and looked down. Tim Cooper was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Tim Cooper was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Big Red's place. Tim Cooper had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Vampire Bats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Virginity. One by one they latched on to Tim Cooper. Already weakened from his injury, Tim Cooper yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Vampire Bats running off with his Virginity.

But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Tim Cooper's Virginity. Feeling displeased, God smote the Vampire Bats for their injustice. Then He got in His curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala) and sped away with the fortitude of 20 legless puppies running from a enormous pack of albino cats. Tim Cooper vomited with joy when he saw this. His Virginity was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, Canada's Next Top Model, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet malaria'). Tim Cooper was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Big Red and a few bloody glove-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.